What does ‘responding to the whole child’ look like? Toolkit
For people working with children: practical ways to respond to problematic and harmful sexual behaviour while keeping the child’s wider development, strengths and needs in view.
In this page
What is this toolkit?
When a child displays problematic or harmful sexual behaviour, the behaviour can quickly become the main thing that adults see. Meetings, assessments and plans may focus on stopping the behaviour and managing risk. These things matter, but they should not be the whole response.
Children who display problematic or harmful sexual behaviour should not be defined by that behaviour. Like all children, they are developing physically, emotionally, socially and sexually. They have families and other important relationships, strengths and difficulties, experiences at home and school, and individual ways of communicating, learning and understanding the world.
Responding to the whole child means taking the sexual behaviour seriously while understanding it within this wider picture. It means asking not only 'What happened?' and 'How do we stop it happening again?' but also 'What is happening for this child?', 'What might this behaviour mean in the context of their development and life?' and 'What will help them develop safely?'
This toolkit helps workers take a holistic and developmentally informed approach alongside any necessary safeguarding, assessment or specialist intervention.
Key takeaways
See the child, not a label
Describe the behaviour clearly without defining the child by it. Avoid labels that imply that harmful sexual behaviour is a fixed characteristic or identity. Use language that separates the child from the behaviour, for example, ‘a child who has displayed harmful sexual behaviour’.
Think developmentally
Consider the child’s chronological age alongside their emotional, social, cognitive and sexual development. Do not assume that children of the same age have the same capacities or needs. Match explanations, expectations and interventions to what the individual child can understand and do.
Look beyond the sexual behaviour
Ask about family life, relationships, school, peers, online experiences, health and wellbeing, previous adversity or trauma, neurodevelopment and other important aspects of the child’s life. Consider what needs to change within the child’s relationships and environment as well as what needs to change for the child.
Hear from the child
Find out how the child understands what has happened and what is important to them. Ask about their experiences, relationships, worries and hopes, using communication that matches their developmental needs. Do not assume that adults already understand the child’s perspective.
Identify strengths and protective factors
Find out what the child enjoys, does well and cares about, who they trust and where they experience belonging and success. Build these into plans for change.
Match support to the individual child
Adapt communication, expectations and interventions to the child’s developmental abilities, culture, circumstances and needs. Review the response as the child develops and circumstances change.
Understanding the issue
Problematic and harmful sexual behaviour does not occur separately from the rest of a child’s development and life. Children bring different developmental capacities, relationships, experiences, vulnerabilities and strengths to the situations in which behaviour occurs. Similar-looking behaviours can therefore have different meanings for different children.
Understanding the whole child means considering development broadly. Chronological age is important, but so are cognitive and emotional development, communication, social understanding, sexual knowledge, impulse control and the child’s capacity to understand boundaries, consent and the impact of their behaviour on others.
It also means understanding the child within their relationships and environments. Family relationships, peer experiences, school, community, culture and online environments can all be relevant. Some children who display harmful sexual behaviour have experienced trauma, abuse, family violence or other adversities. Others have not. Harmful sexual behaviour should therefore prompt curiosity about a child’s experiences and safety without assuming a particular history or explanation.
Why this matters
If adults focus only on the sexual behaviour, important needs can be missed. A child may receive restrictions or interventions aimed at preventing further harm while difficulties with communication, relationships, trauma, learning, emotional regulation or family circumstances remain unrecognised.
Equally, understanding the whole child does not mean explaining away the harmful sexual behaviour. Children need adults who can hold both things in mind: the impact of their behaviour on others and their own developmental and support needs.
A holistic response can help identify what needs to change around the child as well as what the child needs to learn or change themselves. It can also identify strengths and relationships that can support safer development.
Common challenges for workers
Holding accountability, safety and compassion together
The seriousness of harmful sexual behaviour can understandably pull attention towards risk and immediate safety. Workers may worry that considering the child’s needs or experiences could minimise the harm caused to another child. It does not. Accountability, safety and compassion can sit alongside one another.
Avoiding assumptions about 'cause'
It can also be tempting to search for a single explanation: previous sexual abuse, pornography, family difficulties or another experience, for example. These factors may be relevant for some children, but none provides a universal explanation for harmful sexual behaviour. Build an understanding of the individual child rather than fitting the child to an assumed pathway.
Disconnection across supports
Children may also be involved with several services, each focused on a different part of their life. One service may address harmful sexual behaviour, another mental health or disability, another family difficulties and another education. Without coordination, the child can become divided into separate 'problems’. Share information appropriately and work towards a coherent understanding of the child and what they need.
Conversation starters and practical steps
Ask the child:
‘What is going well for you at the moment?’
‘Who are the people you trust or can talk to?’
‘What was happening for you before this happened?’
‘What did you think would happen?’
‘What do you understand now about how the other person may have experienced it?’
Use language suited to the child’s developmental and communication needs. Do not turn these questions into an interrogation or require the child to provide an explanation they may not yet understand themselves.
Consider:
development and communication
family and caregiving relationships
friendships and intimate relationships
school, learning and employment
emotional and mental wellbeing
trauma, adversity and the child’s own safety
neurodevelopmental or disability-related needs
sexuality, relationships and sexual knowledge
online activity and digital relationships
culture, identity and community
interests, abilities, supportive relationships and other strengths.
Not every area will be relevant to every child. The purpose is to understand the child’s needs in context.
Ask what the child enjoys, where they experience success and which relationships help them feel safe and connected. Preserve these wherever this can be done safely.
Do not remove ordinary developmental opportunities simply because a child has displayed harmful sexual behaviour. Restrictions should have a clear safety purpose, be proportionate and be reviewed rather than becoming indefinite.
Reflective prompts
Am I describing a behaviour or defining a child?
What do I know about this child’s development rather than simply their chronological age?
What do we understand about the context and possible function of the behaviour and what are we still assuming?
Have we explored the child’s own safety and experiences without assuming that they must have been abused?
What strengths, relationships and activities can help this child change?
Are restrictions helping to manage a specific risk, or have they simply accumulated around the child?
Does everyone involved have a coherent understanding of the child, or is each service responding to a different piece of them?
Putting learning into practice
Case study
Situation
A 13-year-old has repeatedly sent sexual messages and an unsolicited sexual image to another student. The school has responded appropriately to support the student who received the messages and has referred the 13-year-old for further assessment. Staff describe him as having 'sexual behaviour problems' and are considering excluding him from several activities.
He has ADHD and some learning difficulties. He finds friendships difficult, has recently changed schools and spends substantial time online. He says he thought sending the image would make the other student like him and appears confused about why they found it upsetting. He has a close relationship with his grandmother, enjoys sport and has recently begun to settle into a small group at school.
Possible response
The harmful behaviour is addressed directly. Adults explain clearly that sending sexual images without another person’s agreement is not acceptable and put appropriate arrangements in place to prevent further unwanted contact.
Assessment also looks beyond the incident. Workers explore the young person’s understanding of relationships, consent and online communication; his developmental and learning needs; peer relationships; emotional regulation; online experiences; family circumstances and his own safety and wellbeing.
Information is communicated in ways he can understand and practise. His grandmother is involved as an important source of support. The school considers how to maintain safe participation in sport and positive peer relationships rather than removing activities that provide structure and belonging unless restrictions are necessary for safety.
The plan combines clear boundaries and accountability with developmentally appropriate education, support and opportunities to strengthen healthy relationships.
Key elements of the response
The behaviour and its impact are taken seriously without making them the young person’s identity.
Assessment considers development, relationships, environment, strengths and needs.
Expectations and intervention are adapted to his learning needs.
Protective relationships and activities are maintained where safe.
Support focuses not only on stopping harmful behaviour but on building the skills and circumstances that support safer development.
Common questions and misconceptions
No. Understanding a child does not excuse harmful behaviour. It helps adults work out what needs to change and how best to achieve it. Responses can be clear about harm, boundaries and responsibility while also addressing the child’s developmental and support needs.
No. Some children who display harmful sexual behaviour have experienced sexual abuse or other adversity, but this is not true of every child. Explore the child’s experiences and safety carefully rather than assuming a particular cause.
Specialist assessment or intervention may be important, particularly where behaviour is more serious or persistent. But it should sit within a wider understanding of the child. Family relationships, education, mental health, disability or neurodevelopmental needs, friendships and everyday opportunities for healthy development may all affect progress.
Understand how the child’s individual developmental profile affects communication, learning, relationships, sexual knowledge and behaviour. Adapt support accordingly. A diagnosis can help explain particular needs but should not be used either to excuse harmful behaviour or to assume that the diagnosis caused it.
Recap: your next steps
Build the whole picture
Review what you know about the child beyond the harmful sexual behaviour and identify important gaps.
Ask about strengths
Identify at least one relationship, activity or setting that provides the child with connection or belonging and consider how it can safely support change.
Check developmental fit
Consider whether expectations, communication and interventions match the child’s actual developmental and learning needs.
Bring the response together
Where several services are involved, agree how their different perspectives contribute to one coherent plan for the child.
Review restrictions
Check that each restriction has a clear purpose, remains necessary and does not unnecessarily remove healthy developmental opportunities.
What does ‘responding to the whole child’ look like? Toolkit resources
More toolkits
For anyone dealing directly with harmful sexual behaviour between siblings, cousins or other children in the family, or anyone wanting to learn more about how to respond.
For people working with children and young people: practical ways to respond to problematic and harmful sexual behaviour, make everyday situations safer and keep supporting children after a report.
Practical help for people working with children and families to prepare for difficult conversations about sexual behaviour, respond to parents’ reactions and work together to decide what happens next.
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Parents and carers
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