Talking to parents and carers when you have concerns: toolkit
Practical help for people working with children and families to prepare for difficult conversations about sexual behaviour, respond to parents’ reactions and work together to decide what happens next.
In this page
What is this toolkit?
Talking with a parent or carer about problematic or harmful sexual behaviour can be difficult. You may need to describe behaviour that is upsetting or confronting, explain concerns about harm or safety and discuss what needs to happen next. The parent may be hearing this information for the first time.
How the conversation is handled matters. Parents and carers may feel shocked, frightened, angry, ashamed, guilty or confused. They may struggle initially to take in what they are being told. A clear and respectful conversation can help them understand the concern, remain engaged and begin to support their child and any safety arrangements.
This toolkit helps workers prepare for these conversations, communicate concerns without labels or judgement, respond to strong reactions and move towards practical next steps. It can assist whether you are speaking with the parents or carers of a child who has displayed problematic or harmful sexual behaviour, a child who has experienced it, or both. In some families, including sibling cases, the same parent or carer may be trying to respond to the needs of more than one child.
Use this toolkit alongside your organisation’s safeguarding procedures. Seek advice before contacting a parent or carer where doing so could increase danger to a child, compromise an investigation or conflict with instructions from child protection or police.
Key takeaways
Do not judge the whole response from the first reaction
Shock, disbelief, anger or minimisation may change as a parent has time and support to process what has happened. Where a response creates or increases a safety concern, act on it.
Keep the focus on what children need
Be clear about immediate safety arrangements, support for the child who has been harmed and help for the child who displayed the behaviour. Do not make parents choose between caring about different children: ensure safety arrangements have been considered for all children involved, including members of the household who may not have been directly affected.
Agree what happens next
Explain who will do what, what the parent or carer can do, where they can get help and when you will speak again. Do not leave them with difficult information and no clear route forward.
Prepare before you talk
Be clear about what is known, what remains uncertain, what you need to communicate and what you want the parent or carer to understand or do. Check whether there is any reason to seek safeguarding or investigative advice before making contact.
Describe the behaviour, rather than labelling the child
Use clear, factual language about what has been seen, reported or disclosed. Distinguish what you know from what you do not yet know. Avoid labels that define the child or drawing conclusions that have not been established.
Make space for the parent’s response
Give them time to take in difficult information. Listen to their questions and feelings without losing sight of the behaviour, its impact and children’s safety.
Understanding the issue
Learning that a child has displayed or experienced problematic or harmful sexual behaviour can be profoundly unsettling for parents and carers. The information may make them feel unsettled about their perceptions of their child, their family and their own role in keeping children safe. They may have to take in considerable unfamiliar information while in shock about what has happened.
Parents’ responses vary. Some may quickly acknowledge the concern and seek help. Others may initially question what they have been told, minimise its significance, become angry, blame themselves or feel unable to think about what happens next. These reactions need to be understood in context. They do not remove the need to address safety, but neither should a difficult first reaction be taken as an indication of how able or willing a parent ultimately will be to respond.
The conversation may also be different depending on which child the parent or carer is supporting. Parents of a child who has been harmed may be frightened, angry and focused on protection and accountability. Parents of a child who has displayed the behaviour may fear judgement, exclusion or consequences for their child. Where children are siblings or kin, parents may be holding both sets of concerns at the same time.
Why is this important?
Parents and carers are often central to what happens after a concern is identified. They may need to supervise children, change routines, support attendance at appointments, reinforce boundaries, help children understand what has happened and notice whether safety arrangements are working.
If parents leave a conversation confused, blamed or without practical support, it may be harder for them to carry out these tasks. Clear communication and respectful engagement can help parents move from an immediate emotional response towards understanding, safety and support.
Engaging parents does not mean avoiding difficult messages. Workers need to be clear about harmful behaviour, its impact and any action required to protect children. The aim is to combine that clarity with an approach that makes constructive parental involvement more possible.
Common challenges for workers
Worry about saying the wrong thing
Workers may worry about saying the wrong thing, damaging their relationship with the family or provoking anger or distress. This can lead either to avoiding the conversation or to using language that is so cautious that the concern is unclear. Prepare the key messages in advance and use straightforward language.
Strong parent reactions
It can also be difficult when a parent disputes what has happened or minimises the concern. Avoid getting drawn into an argument about facts you are not responsible for establishing. Be clear about what has been reported or observed, what action your role requires and what needs to happen for safety while further information is gathered.
Maintaining a supportive approach
Workers may feel strongly about the behaviour or about a parent’s response. Discuss your reactions and concerns with your supervisor or a work colleague you trust. Parents are more likely to remain engaged when workers can communicate concerns without humiliation, blame or assumptions about what the behaviour says about the child or family.
Supporting additional needs
Some conversations require additional planning. Carefully consider, for example, language and communication needs, disability, culture, family violence, or separated households.
Conversation starters and practical steps
Write down the essential facts: what is known, what is reported but not yet established and what remains unknown.
Check safeguarding, reporting and information-sharing requirements, including whether advice is needed before contacting a parent or carer.
Decide who should take part in the conversation and whether the parent needs an interpreter, advocate, cultural support person or other communication support.
Be ready to explain what happens next. Do not raise a serious concern without knowing what immediate support or follow-up you can offer.
'I need to talk with you about a concern that has been raised about sexual behaviour involving your child. I know this may be difficult to hear. I will explain what we know, what we do not yet know and what needs to happen next.’
'I want to describe the behaviour rather than put a label on your child. What has been reported is…’
‘I can see this is a lot to take in. You do not have to make sense of everything immediately. We do need to make sure the children are safe while we understand more.’
‘I hear that this does not fit with how you know your child. I am not asking you to stop caring for or believing in them. I am asking us to take this concern seriously and work out what they and the other child need now.’
‘Let’s be clear about what needs to happen today and what can wait until we have more information.’
‘What feels hardest for you to manage at home right now?’
‘Who can support you with this? What do you need from us to put the plan into practice?’
‘Before we finish, can we go through what happens next and when we will speak again?’
Reflective prompts
What does this parent or carer need to know now, and what can appropriately wait?
Am I describing the behaviour clearly, or using labels and assumptions?
Have I distinguished what is known from what is still being assessed or investigated?
How might the parent or carer experience what I am about to tell them?
Am I allowing space for their reaction while remaining clear about children’s safety and needs?
What practical role are we asking the parent or carer to take, and do they have the support to do it?
Have we agreed who will contact them next and when?
Putting learning into practice
Case study
Situation
A teacher needs to speak with the parents of a 12-year-old after another student reports that the child sent sexual messages and then shared an unsolicited sexual image. The school has taken immediate steps to prevent further unwanted contact. The 12-year-old’s parents have not previously been told of concerns about sexual behaviour.
Possible response
Before making contact, the teacher checks the school’s safeguarding procedures and confirms what can be shared, consulting with the principal and external agencies as appropriate. They prepare a brief factual account of what has been reported, separating established information from matters that still need clarification.
The principal tells the parents clearly that a concern has been raised about sexual messages and an image sent by their child, explains the immediate arrangements made for both children and avoids describing the 12-year-old with a label. One parent becomes upset and says that their child would never deliberately harm anyone. The worker acknowledges how difficult the information is to hear without agreeing that the concern can therefore be dismissed.
The principal explains that they are not asking the parents to reach an immediate conclusion about everything that happened. The priority is to take the report seriously, make sure there is no further unwanted contact and understand what support both children need. They ask what the parents know about their child’s online activity and whether there are other concerns or relevant circumstances.
Before the conversation ends, the principal explains the next steps, checks what the parents have understood, gives them a named contact and agrees when they will speak again. The parents are offered information about where they can seek advice and support.
Key elements of the response
The concern is communicated clearly without defining the child by the behaviour.
The parents are given space to react, but their initial disbelief does not displace the safety response.
Known information is distinguished from matters still being clarified.
The conversation moves towards what the child and family need to do next, with a clear follow-up.
Common questions and misconceptions
Recognise the position they are in. They may be distressed for the child who has been harmed while also caring about and feeling responsible for the child who displayed the behaviour. Help them consider each child’s needs separately. Do not expect the child who was harmed to accept contact, forgiveness or reconciliation in order to reduce family distress.
Stay calm and return to what is known: what was reported or observed, why it raises concern and what action is required now. You do not need to persuade a parent to accept a final account during the first conversation. Listen to relevant information they provide, record it accurately and explain how it will be considered. If their response creates a safety concern or they will not follow necessary arrangements, seek safeguarding advice and escalate as required.
Avoid giving a child a fixed label. Explain the behaviour that is causing concern, what is known about its impact and what further assessment or support may be needed. Children’s behaviour and needs should be understood developmentally and in context.
No. You can be clear about harmful behaviour and its impact while treating parents respectfully and helping them respond constructively. Supporting parents can strengthen their capacity to protect children, reinforce boundaries and participate in change.
Not necessarily. Share the information needed to explain the concern and support appropriate action, following privacy and safeguarding requirements. Protect the other child’s confidentiality and seek advice where you are unsure what can be disclosed.
Recap: your next steps
Prepare the conversation
Write down the concern in clear, factual language and distinguish what is known from what remains uncertain.
Check before making contact
Confirm reporting, privacy and safeguarding requirements and whether there is any reason to seek advice before speaking with a parent or carer.
Plan for the parent’s needs
Consider who should be present and whether communication, cultural or other support is needed.
Be ready to explain what needs to happen
What needs to happen for safety, what support is available and when you will follow up.
Reflect afterwards
Record the conversation, consider what the parent understood and identify any further support or safeguarding action needed.
Talking to parents and carers when you have concerns: toolkit resources
More toolkits
For people working with children: practical ways to respond to problematic and harmful sexual behaviour while keeping the child’s wider development, strengths and needs in view.
For anyone dealing directly with harmful sexual behaviour between siblings, cousins or other children in the family, or anyone wanting to learn more about how to respond.
For people working with children and young people: practical ways to respond to problematic and harmful sexual behaviour, make everyday situations safer and keep supporting children after a report.
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